she chose me






I wrote a post about six months after Elie came home about the importance of separation anxiety.   If you go back and read that post it will help you to understand the significance of what I have written below.

Today was a big day.  We have been celebrating so many little milestones this past week.   But today is the day Elie went back to school.  A trial run for a few hours.  She was very excited to see her friends and her teachers.  She talked the entire way to school.  When we entered the office she went mute.  Many people came to say hello and she became shy and very quiet.  We went through specific instructions with the nurse and resource teachers and then headed to her classroom.

Upon entering the room her emotions took over.  She began to get anxious and cry.  So many who love her gathered around her chair.  And that's when it happened.  She turned to ME.  It is worth repeating.  She turned to me.  She buried her head into my scarf much like London would do to escape the look of "strangers".  Others tried to offer support and encouragement.  And then she looked in  my eyes.  I reminded her that the school had my phone number and could call me anytime she needed something.  This reassurance seemed to bring some calm.
Then I asked her, "Where will mommy be?"
"At home"
"And where is our house?"
"Right next to the school"
"That's right honey, I will be right next to the school and can be here quickly if you need anything.  You can do this.  I love you."

I was so torn.  It was difficult to make my feet walk away.  I wanted to soak in the significance of this moment.  She chose me.  She didn't want me to leave her.  She actually started to have anxiety at the thought of me walking away.  The newness of this situation caught me by surprise and I wasn't sure what to do next.  I forced myself to go.  I tried to explain the significance of all of this to the school nurse who was stuck walking with me back to the front of the school.  And then out into the fresh fall air to count the minutes until I could go pick her up.

The healing of her bones and her muscles is incredible and what she has been able to accomplish these past few weeks physically is far more than we had expected.  However the greater miracle is what is happening in both of our hearts.  Today she chose me to be her mom.  And that I will remember for the rest of my life.

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