Back to School

I like having my kids home.  Not because they are perfect or that our house is peaceful with everyone here, because it is not.  Especially not these past few weeks.  But I don't like spending time with my kids because they are easy.  I like spending time with them because they are my kids.  And they are each, individually incredibly amazing little people.  I don't like missing out on moments of their life.  But that is all about me.  My two oldest boys needed to go to school today for what is all about them.

I will not lie... I cried like a baby when I came home from back to school night on Thursday.  Full out on the floor sobbing.  I held it together until the moment I came inside my house and looked in my husband's eyes.  One of the things I love about my husband is that he is safe and I can be very real when I am with him.  For the past few months or maybe even longer, I have been living in the hour not really able to think or process what would come next.  This has been especially true since arriving home from China.  My days are consumed with trying to learn how to be a mom to my now four kids and for the five of us to find some kind of rhythm and bonding.  So going back to school hit me like a mac truck.  I suspected it might.  About two weeks ago a close friend of mine was talking to me about how she was so sad that the summer was ending and the kids would be returning to school.  I had no emotion about it.  In my mind I could not even process that information.  I knew the facts - the calendar said on August 27th my two boys would go to school but when you don't know if you are even going to survive the day your brain does not think about what may be happening two weeks later.  So what I would have usually adjusted to slowly over the last moments of summer instead came crashing down on me at the last moment.

Why is it sad?  Because I love and cherish my kids.  I have loved our years together and realize more and more each year that they are fleeting fast.  It is not bad that they are growing up and moving on.  It is everything good and right.  I am so thankful that they can go to school, that they are healthy and strong and that I trust their character when they are away from home.  I want them to go out and explore the world and find out who God created them to be.  But there will always be a part of this mamas heart that will hold close our years at home together.

I am so thankful that I am home and not in China right now.  Where I was supposed to be right now.  So thankful that God moved our trip up to the exact date we were desiring to travel.  So thankful that I was home to experience back to school night, meet the teacher and our back to school feast.... this year the boys went for crabs and they were oh so yummy.  

So thankful to be leaving in a few moments to see my two boys come running out of the school into the arms of their adoring sisters.  So thankful that our family had a few weeks to bond together before schools started.  And so very, very thankful for one more little face in the back to school picture.  I know this week would have been even more difficult if she was not home.   Even though some parts may bring tears, my life is very beautiful because of the five people below....