Make me like the Deer
My dreams were crashing all around me. I began to wonder if I just needed to accept that I wasn't the kind of person God could use in the way my heart desired. What had started as whispers of doubt were now in max volume on repeat in my heart. My failures seemed insurmountable. My emotions raw. My soul weary.
The mountain called to me. I started my ascent running. Pushing myself physically has always been my outlet. In the movement my wild thoughts pour out to my Heavenly Father. The path becomes steeper now and I find myself jumping over fallen logs. My running feet slow to a walk as the dirt floor turns into solid rock. The way has become too difficult to climb so I find a ledge where I can rest. Rest. "Come to Me all who are weary and I will give you rest". The view is breathtaking. The beauty of His creation begins to speak life to the deepest parts of my soul.
I recently learned a practice called "Palms up/Palms down". The idea is to quiet yourself in meditation. Place your palms down and pour out your confession to God. Place your palms up and receive His love for you.
Palms down. Here is my heart. Broken. Beaten. Rejected. My striving. My hurt. My anger. My disappointments. Palms up.
In the corner of my eye I see movement. Turning my head I see an entire herd of deer running full speed over the rocks that I had just struggled to climb. They were made for this. Built and created to not just slowly climb but to run up those jagged rocks.
"Why does God allow us to spend so much of life in the heat of the battle? Because He never meant for us to sip His Spirit like a proper cup of tea. He meant for us to hold our sweating heads over the fountain and lap up His life with unquenchable thirst." ~ Beth Moore
He had brought me to the mountaintop. He had created those deer to run at the exact moment that I called out to Him. I am undone by His great love.
I have experienced to much to be satisfied with just sipping. I have come to the end of my own strength and realized that on my own I fall short. So here I am sweating and hungry and ready to be trained. God, you alone are my strength, you alone can make me like those deer and allow me to walk with confidence through the difficult days.
Palms down. Sorrow. Fear. Hiding. Failure. Palms up. Victory. Peace. Joy. Life. Adventure. Availability.
"The Lord is my strength, my source of courage, my invincible army;