what's next for team judkins

Last week it was snowing.  Hard to believe today as I sit in 80 degree weather.  But that is spring in this part of the country.  The snowy day reminded me of a day in March last year.  We had been on a whirlwind adventure in the housing market and found ourselves with no place to call home.  The house we had hoped to make our new stomping ground was scooped up by another family.  The house we had called home for the past eight years was sold.  Thoughts of just taking the money and making a run for it definitely crossed our minds a few times.  But God had already made clear to us that we were supposed to stay here.  And so we looked and looked and looked for a new home. We were actually looking for a single family house where our team could grow and where we could provide a safe place for anyone who needed a rest.  It was exciting and stressful and so many emotions all at the same time.  And then it happened.  A new home came on the market.  I went to see the property and had to catch my breath.  Kevin met me there after work and had the same experience.  We looked at each other in agreement.  This was it.  This was going to be our new home.

Moving with five children is not my favorite.  Moving during the middle of the school year and driving back and forth to the old school three time a day plus doctor's appointments plus a napping baby about killed me.  I am not being dramatic.  I was seriously exhausted.  I longed for the end of the school year and a summer to finally start to enjoy our new home.  A summer to rest before we started our journey to find the rest of our team and fill up our extra bedrooms.  I saw a picture and the story of a little boy in need of a family.  I couldn't shake him from my heart and my thoughts.  The rest of the family felt the same and so we inquired if he was adoptable.  We were told he could only be hosted this winter, not adopted.  I just could not find peace in hosting a child and sending them back to China.  After all the attachment issues we have been through, I just couldn't move foward out of respect both for this child and the five already living in my home.  The next thing I knew the little boy had been matched with another family for adoption.  I still don't understand how all those details work, not everything makes sense in the adoption world, but the end of the story was this child who had captured my heart was no longer available.

We thought we would move forward and start the process of being paper ready for another child.  I completed the initial forms with our agency and put them in the mail box.  Then things started to come unraveled.  After running on full speed for a few years, I stopped and took a breath and realized that everyone in this house was bleeding in some way.  All five of my kids needed some mom therapy.  The pause made me realize my own soul needed some care and oxygen too.  But if we weren't adopting now, why in the world were we in this house? Kevin and I began to question everything.  Was it a mistake?  Should we have stayed in our old home?  What were we doing here? Maybe I was done.  But those words caused such a deep greiving in my soul.  We knew in our core that I was not in a place of starting the adoption process.  We knew some of our kids needed more time to heal before we added another one to the team.  Just as sure as we knew we were not done.

Our home stayed empty for months after we moved in.  I thought for sure last summer we would have tons of visitors now that we had the space.  Not one came.  For awhile Kevin could not even go in the basement because it just made him angry to see all that space not being used.  But slowly the rooms have started to be used by people needing a place to rest.  And Kevin and I are learning to wait on the Lord and also to delight in His blessings to us.  This home is a gift of His Love.  And I am learning to freely accept His good gifts.  We have seen incredible growth and healing in our children. The past few years have not been easy for any of us and we need some time to let go of the hard days. God is refining us for the road ahead.  One that I hope will include more children, but for now we wait.  I don't know if that wait will end next month or in a few years.  And I am learning to be okay with that.