i don't like my child

I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes and that familiar lump start to form in my throat.  As I looked around the room, I knew I needed to share my struggle.  The words burned deeper into my soul... I was a horrible mother.  I feared speaking but the words came spilling out before I had time to stop them.

I don't like my son

And just like that,  my secret was out in the open.  Out in a room full of women I respected.  Women who loved God and who I was sure had never had a feeling like this before.  I mean,  what mom says she doesn't like her son.  The dam that had held the tears back broke and I couldn't stop them from falling.  I looked around the room and surprisingly I did not see faces of utter disgust at what I had just said.  No, instead I saw something else.  Could it be compassion?  love?  understanding?  My soul caught a glimpse of light.  And then the mom sitting across from me spoke words that I will never forget...

I went through a season just like that.  It will be okay.  It will not last forever.

And just like that, a huge weight was lifted off of me and the lies grew quiet.  The best part about it all was she was right.  The little boy whose behavior had me at my wits end quickly traveled through that hard season to become one of the most incredible people I know.  Someone whom I like very much.  Someone who I actually crave spending time with.

There were two huge lessons learned in that season of my life.  One,  love is a choice.  And loving someone you do not like teaches you more about love than loving someone you like.  Feelings of affection come and go but love is more than a fleeting emotion.  Love stays in the ugly.  Love holds on to you when it is uncomfortable and even when it is painful.  Looking back now, some nine years later, I know that season was a gift.  I needed to have the memory of not liking my biological child to navigate the days of this same emotion with my adopted child.  I needed to learn how to chose love instead of anger.  I needed to know how to hear the truth when the lies started to attack.  I needed to know that it wasn't because they were adopted.  In fact, I felt just the opposite.  I was their mama and knew them well enough to experience the days when they were unlikable.  I knew to hold on, to keep choosing love, and to have hope of a new season to come.

The second lesson  I learned is the importance of mom friendships.  We need each other.  We need to be real and honest. The lessens we learn in motherhood need to be shared with those coming behind us.  We need to create space where moms can share their struggles without fear of rejection.  Relationships where we instead find compassion and hope.  It is not easy to share the areas where we feel like we are failing.  The crazy thing is, though,  the only way to get rid of those lies is to shine the light on it.  Speak it out so others can kill it with truth.  This motherhood thing is not easy don't try to do it alone.  And if you find yourself in a day, or a year, where you don't like your child.... give me a call.

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