adoption day is the first day of rehab... for the mama too





Adoption is hard.  Loss is hard.  Children experiencing trauma is hard.  Malnutrition is hard.  Lack of good medical care is hard.  Having no family connections is hard.  Being thrown into a family with no idea of what that really means is hard.  Not being able to trust people is hard.  Struggling with dysfunctional coping mechanisms is hard.  Not being able to remember is hard.  Remembering too much is hard.  This graphic from Hope for Orphans says it so well.  And at first glance, it made me think of my girls.  Then I sat with it for awhile and realized that it also applied to me.

When my daughter first came home, I knew that it would be hard but I thought "hey I can do this".   While we were waiting for her, these exact words used to come out of my mouth... it is okay if she never loves me.  But I am going to let you in on a little secret.  It really is not okay.  Our hearts were designed to be in relationship and it is so very difficult to be in one where the other person is not participating.  Like really, really hard.  There is no way to give this kind of love without God.  And it is through this kind of love that you catch a glimpse of His love for us.  My love for others is often so conditionally dependent on how they have treated me and how they make me feel.  Just writing those words makes me annoyed with myself but I know there is truth in them.  I have been impatient and rude and unkind.  I have built walls to protect my heart.  I have chosen to let circumstances steal my joy.   And then turn right back around frustrated with my children for doing the same.

I have seen many ugly places in my heart, many wounded and broken places, that I would have never noticed without my children's help.  I have learned that on my own strength I am a complete mess.  And I have learned the incredible healing and joy that come from allowing the Holy Spirit to renew your mind and fill your soul.  The fruit of rehab is always beautiful but the process of rehab is painful.  No one wants to participate in this rehab process but the pain only increases for everyone when you fight against it.   I have been through a few years of the fighting and the painful and thankfully, I am starting to see some of the beauty.




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