when i look at my baby

Tomorrow morning our baby turns two years old.  Five months after our older daughter, Eliana, came home from China this little bundle started to grow in my womb.  God placed her there before we had time to consider and reconsider if we should or shouldn't.   Everyone was shocked and excited and then I was just so very sick.  Pregnancy and I are not great friends.  What is supposed to be a beautiful time in a woman's life was one of my darkest.  Months of longing to sleep and not wake up until it was over.  Months of somehow making it through each day accomplishing the bare minimum to keep my family going.  It should have been a time of bonding with my new daughter, but instead I couldn't get through two pages in a story book with out vomiting and the mere vibrations of feet walking across the floor made the nausea increase.  I spent many hours lying in my bed staring at the walls in my room praying for sleep.   The first time I held my baby I thought about those difficult months.  She is a daily reminder that sometimes the things that are the most difficult bring about the greatest beauty in our lives.

Something besides the baby was growing during those months.  My inability to provide my usual care for my family created a vacuum that allowed relationships and character to grow.  My four children began to bond together.  They stepped up taking care of one another and even taking care of me.  My husband, oh what would I have done without him.  He took on many of my responsibilities and patiently served our family.  The five of them learned new things about themselves and each other.  And I learned that, while I provide an important role in our family, it takes all of us to make this thing work.... and they are all capable of so much more when given the opportunity.  When I look at my baby I remember the importance of every member of our team.

I wondered how my daughters, who did not come from my womb, would cope with watching their mother's belly grow.  I thought that our baby should be a boy.  Yes, a boy would cause the least amount of trauma to my other two girls.  There were many questions and hard days as my daughters processed things that I did not expect to go through with them for many years.  Often times questions for which there really was no answer except, I don't know baby and I love you.  There were so many memories built before Eliana came home from China.  Many that the other three shared together.  But this baby, this baby is everyone's memory.  From start to finish, every step of the way, my other four journeyed to the birth of baby #5.  They came to my appointments to hear the heartbeat, they helped get everything ready for baby to come home, they watched the baby move and kick every evening, they learned how babies are made and how they grow, they anxiously awaited the moment when they would hold the baby.   I gave birth to a baby girl who was welcomed and loved by two brothers and two sisters.  In that moment something happened creating a tighter cord joining our family together.  When I look at my baby, I remember that God knows better than I do what my kids need.

I never was given the privilege of holding my other two daughters as they took their first breaths.  I never nursed them to sleep.  I never ran to their bed when they cried.  I had experienced two infant boys but there was something different about being the mother to a newborn girl.  The experience allowed me to grieve what was lost with my other two and gave me the desire to learn to recreate those moments for them now.  This baby softened my heart and gave me a new perspective.  When I look at her and then look at my older four, I realize that time passes quickly.  She is a daily reminder to live every day and to not waste these precious moments of childhood.  She is a daily reminder that God not only knows what my kids need, but he also knows what I need better than I do.

When I look at my baby, it still catches me by surprise that she is my daughter and that I am doing this season of life again.  She brings every member of our family so much joy.  I am so thankful for this precious gift of life.