i want a do over

When I first saw her, sitting there on that black vinyl couch, my emotions began to wage a war within me.  Our translator was unreliable and the environment seemed so formal.  I wanted to run to her and hug her and tell her I was her mama.  But everything we had learned through our reading and training sounded loudly in my head.  I was supposed to use caution, approach gently, engage her in play.  With babies it is natural, you just pick them up and cradle them.  A five year old little girl who cannot understand anything you are saying is a completely different experience.  I thought I needed to give her space and time to adjust and those things are probably good and true.  But on this side looking back I am now doubting my posture in that moment.

When a child emerges from its mothers womb where does it immediately go?  Next to the mother's heart.  The mother cradles and smiles and sings and cries and feeds and touches and kisses that sweet new little baby.  My whole life I have believed that this was for baby.  And it is for baby.  But what I now know in the depths of my soul is that this is also for the mother.  Even for moms who struggle to bond with the child they have birthed, going through the motions of being their mother is important in placing seeds that will grow in time to bond them together.

I had already missed the chance to hold her to my heart as her ears took in the first sounds of her new world.  There is no way to rewind time.  Her first moments on planet earth are a mystery to me.  Her first moments in my presence, however, are not.  I will never know if things would have played out differently if I would have embraced her as a new child when our eyes first met.  I honestly don't think it would have made a difference to her either way.  My own heart is a different story.  That moment of hesitancy and caution placed the first brick in a wall of protection.  A wall that I have worked hard to knock down. I long for a do over.  I have realized that she is the only one of my five that was not met at first look with a sweet embrace.  I try to live my life with no regrets, but this time I played it safe.  That fact makes my heart hurt.

I'm sure that the experts know what they are talking about, but my advice to parents adopting older children sounds different then it did two years ago. It is true that I now have a forever of moments to connect with her and show her that I am thankful to be her mommy, but I can never do the first moment again.   I would encourage that new mama to go with her instincts.  Act on that primal instinct of a mother to embrace her new child, to shower them with kisses and tell them how happy you are to be their mommy.  It does not matter the age of your child when you meet them for the first time, the connection is brand new and you only have one chance to live it out.