i don't want to worship in the dark

I published this blog post last week and it received way more attention then I had imagined. Some good, some not. Some people who I love were wounded by the words that I had chosen. The thoughts were written as the result of some things that have been on my heart this past year. Things my husband and I have been praying about for months. We both had a peace about publishing the post. After a friend reached out to me about how my words were hurting a group of people I immediately removed the post in response to the Holy Spirit telling me to do just that. I believed God wanted to do something in me taking it down. Which He has. And after praying we believe I am supposed to write again with some changes that He has shown us over the past few days. You may find this crazy but I will publish and unpublish any post as God leads. My thoughts that follow are not specific to any one person or church but meant for the American church in general.

This time last year I found out about Baby #5. The announcement turned our world upside down once again. God began to speak to our hearts through our precious little London before we ever held her in our arms. There are so many things that have changed in our way of life and our way of thinking this past year. New passions were birthed and old ideas challenged. Many things we are still trying to process. My heart and my mind are so full. I have not blogged about any of it because I didn't feel I had a final conclusion. However, I think it is time to start. And maybe through writing and sharing it will help us to find some more answers on this journey.

Growing a human being is mind boggling and awesome and beautiful. And in my case exhausting and overwhelming and at times horrific. I had prayed and really begged for it to be different this time around. God answered me with a "no". He would be with me, but the wretched pregnancy sickness was going to also be my companion. I love people. I love my family. I love being active. As days turned into weeks and weeks into months of struggling to get through each day, my spirit hurt. It was a dark time in my life. All day I longed for the moment when I would fall asleep and when my body once again awoke I would sob in despair knowing that I must do it all over again. I am an emotional person and I feel things deeply. There are times when having a good long cry helps me to move on but during those days I soon discovered that crying only produced more intense vomiting. So I tried to keep the tears from falling. I longed to be in community. I missed my old life. And I really longed to worship with other believers.

The day came when I finally was well enough to make it to a church service. I found the strength to make it out the door with my family. Getting dressed was exhausting. Trying to keep down breakfast time consuming. The service had already began by the time I arrived. I heard music and singing and my heart began to beat faster. I slipped in the back and sat by the door so I could make a run for the bathroom at a moments notice. I was ready to be surrounded in fellow believers worshiping our Father, to see their joy, to have some of the heaviness lifted from my soul. But the room was so dark. And the darkness that I had been fighting in my bedroom for weeks now seemed to gain traction. I could see no one and I felt so alone. It was this moment that left a mark and started to shift my thinking. As I shared my story with others from churches across this great country I heard of similar experiences.

I have attended Sunday morning church services every Sunday since birth. I am not exaggerating, you can ask my mom if you don't believe me. I have experienced many different denominations and styles. From being an acolyte to sharing a tambourine, from old fashioned hymns to loud modern music, from one man leading singing to a huge choir and orchestra.

When I was a little girl I loved to listen to a Christian tape series for kids called Psalty. Psalty was a singing song book and if you grew up in church in the 80s I am sure you listened to him too. Psalty had a line on one of the albums that went something like this: You can sing songs until you are blue in the face, but if it is not from the heart it is not praise. I wonder if what we are doing most Sunday mornings in churches across America would be considered praise. Many Sundays I have looked around me and it appears that I am in a sea of drones. Their bodies are standing, their mouths are moving but their faces are void of any expression. I know that we all have different personalities and so the way in which we worship will look different. However I am confident that truly praising the God of the universe will at the minimum bring a smile to your face. We are worshiping the One who gave us life, the one who created you in your mother's womb, the One who has made a way for you to be saved from the pit of hell. The pit of hell, people! This is something to get excited about, something to sing and shout and clap and dance for joy about.

And still we go for the show. Go to check the box. Go to be entertained.

I don't believe the people in leadership of churches in America want to give a show. While there may be some who feel that way, I'm sure the majority of those putting together services on Sunday mornings really do love Jesus. I'm sure that they desire to honor Him with their lives and to see others do the same. I am just wondering if the structure that we have adopted for guiding our corporate gatherings really allows that to happen. This thought goes beyond just the music time but for everything that happens during Sunday morning services. While those leading churches do not want to give a show, there are many in the congregation who come with a different expectation. And my question is this: Is the way we are living out our faith unintentionally encouraging that behavior?

We have polished the act until it is smooth and shiny. I think this has happened because if it is not perfect then people complain. But God often meets us in the grit and the awkward silences. Not always. But mostly always in my life. Many people talk about the joy found in the impoverished churches of Africa or the persecuted churches of Asia and long for that kind of joy. I honestly do not think we are going to find it in the classic church performance model of North America. This has nothing to do with church size. Big and small churches fall into this trap.

I am sure there were many in that dark room that Sunday morning who were truly praising and worshiping God. And I have been told that the darkness is there to give people privacy, anonymity, a chance to seek out God without other eyes watching. Maybe. But what about a calling to a great celebration An invitation to the best party ever. We are told in the Word of God that He inhabits the praises of His people. Mind blowing. God makes His home in our praises or maybe it is that we are invited into His home when we praise Him. Either way, amazing!!

There have been many moments over this past year when Kevin and I have looked at each other and said, "We are getting really weird!" And you may agree after reading this and you may also totally disagree with everything I have written. In the end, I am okay with that. The fact is Christianity in America is declining and I am NOT okay with that. People I love are not being reached with the gospel of Jesus Christ, they are living in bondage and ultimately going to be separated from God for all eternity. I think at minimum this should make everyone who is a follower of Christ in America pause and consider how God may want us to live differently. I definitely don't have a final answer on all of these ponderings, but I know I will never view church the same.