Coming Unglued




I write a lot about the glimpses of beauty that we have in our home.  I hope it is encouraging. But I also know that when all you read about someone else's life is the fabulous times it doesn't give a full picture of reality.  Yesterday we found this creation at the bottom of one of our craft bins.  While we still don't know for sure what happened, all clues point to the little girl who is NOT pictured in this photo.  What we do know is that a spilled bottle of Craft brand tacky craft glue is very strong and can secure 2 bottles of glue, 2 hole punches, a pair of scissors, a large rock and a myriad of other craft supplies to create a modern art sculpture.

It was dried, very dried.  This happened awhile ago.  If I had to guess when I would say it happened in August when more than just craft bottles were coming unglued.  We left for China in a flurry.  The months prior to leaving were filled with lots of business.  And really the previous year of waiting had stretched everyone.  We tried desperately to savor moments together as a family, we stepped away from all our responsibilities outside of our home, we cleaned and remodeled our house to make room for one more, we spent many hours chasing paperwork and making appointments, all while trying to maintain normal life for three little kids... it was busy.  The week before we left I think I was averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night.  This was probably not the best strategy but that is the way it rolled out.  So we hopped on that airplane with a mixture of excitement, nerves and exhaustion.  

Our time with Elie in China was hard. Equally difficult on different levels was the return home.  Many adoptive families talk about the "honeymoon" period that usually lasts for the first months after returning home.  For those who have not experienced a honeymoon, you are not alone.  We came home from China tired, not just physically, but emotionally.  There was no down time.  It was straight from the airport to our home where our other three children were also emotionally on empty and not quite ready to accept a little girl from China who was very confused and upset.  We knew it was going to be hard, but knowing and experiencing are two totally different things.  People kept asking us how we were doing.  Our pat answer became, "Normal Hard".  And it was.  Everything we have experienced is what you read about in adoption books.  What you can't get from the books, though, is what it really feels like to walk through it in real life.

There were days, still are, when I just didn't feel like mothering this crew.  All four of my kids were angry.  They showed it in different ways, but anger seemed to fill up and flow out of every corner of our house.  The boys seemed to adjust better than Faith, but we all had adjustments to make and bonds to create.  There were (are) days when we feel like all do is redirect, discipline, and try to avoid major chaos.  We tried to meet the needs of each of our four children who were all screaming for "me" time.  Each day felt like a marathon.  Or maybe I should say that each day feels like a marathon because while the extreme days of survival have subsided, we are still trying to make those adjustments and build those bonds.  I missed my baby Faith, who seemed to have been taken over by a child I did not know.  I longed to spend more quality time with my boys and grieved our time missed together during their summer vacation.  These emotions kept swirling in my soul.  As time went on, I began to realize that the bonding I so desired with Elie couldn't come because I still saw her as the angry girl we met in China.

About a month ago our church started advertising for a women's retreat, a weekend getaway.  I didn't ask to go.  I never imagined I would go.  But then my incredible husband looked at me and said, "You are going."  I couldn't wait to get a break.  My first break since coming home.  A time to step away.  A time to rest.  A time to have a real adult conversation without two little girls becoming violently jealous.  A break from the whining and the fighting and the tattling and the hitting and the biting... you get the picture.

The retreat began on a Friday night.  My oldest son has soccer practice on Friday evenings.  So instead of me leaving them, they first left me.  As I watched Kevin and the kids walk down the sidewalk away from the house, I felt a little tug on my heart.  Then Elie ran back to give me one more hug and go over one more time where I was going and when I was coming back.  As she ran down the driveway to catch up to the others, I thought about not going.  And that is exactly why I still went.  God met me on the retreat in some amazing ways that I am sure I will share in other posts, but one of the greatest gifts was that I actually had the chance to miss Elie. And when I did finally come back home, Eliana was there to meet me.  Running.  Arms open wide.  Screaming, "Mommy!"

I had asked God to separate my memories of Elie, actually  more like intense pleading.  I needed help to no longer see her as the girl she was when we first came home.  To heal what happened in China.  It is a still a journey.  But this homecoming was a gift.  I think I have really seen her, who she really is, more this past week than the past three months put together.

So while our family life still resembles that crazy bundle of craft supplies.  I think God is getting us to the root of the mess so we can start to chip away the glue and put things back in order.  I shared in my last post about Elie remembering my letter to her and that it said, "I love you very much."  I don't really know if she grasps what those words mean, but I have been given little glimpses of hope.  And I think she is struggling with some of the same exact things as me... or maybe God has allowed me this journey to in some very small way understand what her own heart is going through.


Comments

  1. First, I need to go buy me some of that glue!! We don't have any glue that's quite that good!
    We had no honeymoon either with our latest child, and I so remember the anger you describe in your other kids. Two years in, it's much better now. And it sounds like it's getting better already for your clan. And Elie is clearly attaching and growing and feeling safe. That took a long time with our son, and we are still working on it.

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    Replies
    1. things are definitely better, so days more than others, but there are more and more glimers of something good on the horizon. And no where near the chaos of that first month together. I am so thankful for friends like you and the experience that you can give to us!

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  2. Honeymoon? Keep on keeping on and finding the good in the crazy.

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  3. i so "get" the pleading of your heart. i'm still pleading...and trusting...

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