Ready to Jump??

So we have been riding around in this airplane for 11 months.  Dressed in our jumpsuits.  Parachute on.  Toes to the edge.  Waiting for the thumbs up to take the plunge.

Are you really ever ready to jump out of a plane?  Not sure.  But this is the moment we have been waiting for.  The moment to jump.

And there are moments when I find myself freaking out.  How did we get here?   Why am I wearing this suit?  What if I don't want to jump after all?  What if I am not any good at jumping out of a plane?  What if the parachute doesn't open and I fall flat on my face?

A few days ago we received word that while there is no set date for travel, we will for sure be in China by mid-July.  We are down to weeks folks.  Weeks.  And as the reality set in, I started to panic. So much left to do, so many projects, I haven't learned enough yet, I have no idea what I am doing..... Gripping the side of the kitchen counter, gasping for air, I lowered myself to the ground.  Kody was standing by watching.  "What's wrong?".  To which I replied, "I am having a bit of a panic attack."  "Oh yeah, I get those." was his response.  Thank you God for a bit of humor to bring me around.  For my son Kody, he is such a gift. God knew I would need him in my life to give me pieces of Kevin when he is out of town.

I do this dance with God sometimes, asking Him to remind me again why He called us to be Elie's family.  It is not that I do not long for her to be my daughter, I just have moments where I question my ability to be her mom.  I want the absolute best for my little girl and ask daily for God to make me into whatever mama her heart needs.  Am I in over my head? Absolutely.  Are the days ahead going to be hard?  Definitely.  Do I want off the plane?  NO WAY!!!  

So ready or not, I am weeks from taking that first step off into the unknown and trusting the One who is both the pilot, the wind and the parachute.

Comments

  1. Beautiful. I love that you are so honest. Praying for peace and strength for your growing family.

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  2. Oh tears...many tears - I ask myself the same question about Toby (just in a different way). You can do this because Christ is in you - and you are in HIM - not apart from His strength, but because of it. He called you - He will equip you (and already has in many many ways). Prayers that you will remember one day at a time, don't think too far ahead, don't plan, just trust. God will be there tomorrow, but He says to focus on today. Love you dear friend! Waiting to see what the view looks like when you jump!
    Carrie :)

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  3. this is good. so good. the panic attacks. the wondering. it will continue. but you are going to HIM. and you will keep going to HIM. and He will get you through. praying you through it...right alongside you!

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