The Bittersweet of Birthdays

There are times when my heart is so full and my mind seems to be processing way to much at once.  This has been one of those weeks.  My beautiful flower turned 3 on Tuesday.  Her birthday is a moment that is so bittersweet.  It is a moment of rejoicing in all that has been and all that will be for her life and yet at the same time a reminder of her beginning.  I realized in a casual conversation this week that I have no idea what time she was born.  You are probably thinking to yourself that this is an obvious fact that I should have already accepted.  But adoption is like that, all of the sudden, when you are least expecting it, you hit the next layer of grief.  And in all honesty, I hate that I was not there the day she was born.  I long to know what she looked like when she took her first breath.  My mind searches in futility for a memory that doesn't exist.  My mama's heart aches for myself, but also for my daughter as well.  With each passing season, she asks more and more questions and I am beginning to admit that I will not always have the answer that she is looking for.

We are a blended family of biological and adoptive children and with that comes much beauty but also many challenges.  From the moment my boys were conceived I have had intimate knowledge of their lives, things that I will never know about my adoptive children.  Being a mama to both bio and adopted kids is hard at times for me.  Not in the ways that most people would think.  I am completely bonded to all of my children and love them each with a fierce and passionate love.  We have a very usual adoption story with Faith.  She attached to us and we to her before even boarding the plane for the U.S.  For those of you who have adopted, you know how rare that truly is.  The difficulty for me is accepting that I cannot know all of their histories the same.  While there is still pain, it is in these moments that I am thankful for a God who does know their stories and was there in the moments before I could be.

This birthday was a celebration for us and a huge milestone.  It marks our first full year with Faith Shetu.  She has been home every day from her 2nd birthday until her 3rd. One year where I didn't have to miss a single thing.  And for that I am eternally grateful.

This video is of a Matt Redman song of his new CD.  Kevin and I heard it for the first time this Sunday at our church.  It moved us both to tears - which for those of you who know my husband understand the enormity of that statement.  God truly has been so faithful and each of these words speaks so beautifully to our family's current journey.

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