not ready yet


"Excuse me, can I please see Mrs. Judkins?" The nursery worker was standing at the door looking around the room to locate me. The class responded with looks of compassion. No one wants to see the nursery worker at the door calling your name, it can only mean one thing, your child is upset.
"We have tried to get her to calm down but now she is screaming."
So I hurried as fast as I could down the stairs to get to my baby girl. And yes, she was screaming, I could pick out her cry as soon as I hit the last step.

I struggled with the decision to sign up for this Bible class. Not sure if Faith would be okay to stay in a nursery for the two hours, if she would be okay with me leaving her in a new place. In the end I decided just to try it and we would see how it worked out. Faith has adjusted so well. Everyone comments on how well she has adjusted to living here and being a part of our family. She seamlessly fit right into our lives and it is hard to imagine our home without her. I think this is why I often forget that she has only been home 3 months. Just a few short months ago she lived in a daycare, fighting for the attention and love that she craved. Rewind just a bit more and the woman who gave her life handed her over and walked away, never to return.

I scooped Faith up into my arms. Within seconds she was no longer crying as we walked up and down the hall. She and I went back in to play for a bit and then, I thought, I would try to go back to class. Her smile returned and even started to dance to the music on a toy farm. But her hand did not leave my leg. Each time I made any distance between us, she quickly made up the difference putting herself right next to me once more. Another little girl in the class gave me her bottle. I got up and crossed the room to place it up on a shelf hanging on the wall. As I turned around I met Faith's eyes. She was already on her hands and knees, chasing after me, with huge tears running down her face. My heart sank and my eyes began to match hers. My thoughts went back to a room similar to this one hundreds of miles away. A room full of crying babies all vying for the nannies' attention. A room, where until 3 months ago, my daughter lived.

So yes, she is adjusting well and we are adjusting well and the boys love her and her health is great and she has bonded with us and all those things. But she still is a newly adopted child. She is not ready and I am not ready to leave her in another nursery. And that is okay. It is a season of our lives. Having 2 older brothers, I know this time will pass quickly. So I tried to embrace the rest of today and the fact that she needed to be near me even more than usual.

Comments

  1. Follow your heart. If she is not ready to be left, believe me, God understands that and He is o.k with you not going to your Bible study class. It's hard sometimes to feel isolated and that you are "alone" in this. If you had just given birth no one would expect you to jump back into "life". It's o.k. to give yourself and Grace time.

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  2. Do you follow that blog of Lucy Lane? It is a popular one? I remember her saying that she didn't do ANYTHING the first year - book clubs, working out, vacations, date nights.... and it was all worth it. You are a good mom.

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