Wrestling with God

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. (Psalm 13)

For awhile now I have felt a gushing river brewing inside of me. However there are always things to distract a bleeding heart in the daily hubub of being a mommy to two energetic boys. I knew I needed some quiet alone to sort through these thoughts and emotions, but honestly I was also putting it off. I knew that as soon as the cork was released a flood of emotion was going to follow. And so I kept living in the moment, putting one foot in front of the other, trying to not break down.

Yesterday morning when I woke up I knew that I couldn't run from God any longer. He had some business to do with me. And this is why I announced to my husband that I did not want to go to church, I wanted to hide. So my wonderful husband did what he was supposed to and made me go because he knew God wanted me there.

During the service the words to Isaiah 40 were beautifully portrayed on stage.
"Lift up your eyes on high and see who has created these stars, the One who leads forth their hosts by number, He calls them by name; Because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power, not one of them is missing."

God, you have created all things and you hold all things together. You hold the stars in the heavens and you hold my baby girl in your mighty hand.

"Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the LORD, and the justice due me escapes the notice of my God?'

This is when the dam burst open and I could no longer cork the pain of my heart. The "Why?" has been screaming loudly. Why did You not move and allow us to bring Faith home? Why is she stuck someplace where daily she smiles less and less, where her health hangs dangerously on the line of major consequences, where she cannot receive the therapy and care that she needs? We have been crying out for justice, God, cannot you not hear us??

And then the answer, "Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous men stumble badly, yet those who wait on the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."

Yes, I know and yes, I have heard. You were the One who called our family to adopt a child, You led us to Ethiopia, You have provided in every way at each step on this journey, You matched our family with Faith, You rescued her, You have a plan for her life - one with a hope and a future. And although, the waiting is painful, LORD we wait for you...not for man, we wait on you alone to bring Faith home, Your baby girl whom You have chosen to be a part of our family.

I continued to wrestle with God all day and all night. He answered with this command.
"The LORD is the One who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deut 31:8)

The tears have not stopped, but the joy of the LORD has returned as I place Faith back into his hands. As I focus not on the circumstance but on the character of God and chose to worship Him again with singing. We have no idea if we will leave this week or if we will continue to wait for months, but we wait on the LORD knowing He will bring her home in His own perfect timing. The kids have an Adventures in Odyssey CD that we listen to in the car. One of the stories is about Faith told through the account of Noah who waited over 100 years for God's promise to be fulfilled. Mr. Witaker explains that Faith = Trust. God I trust you. Thank you for refining me by using a little baby named Faith.

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